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Four months after june

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Before The Last Day

Tomorrow's my last day of being an office worker.What do I feel right now?Relief. Of not having a big system above me.
Rushed. Of moving out files and stuffs
Longing. Starting to notice what I'll be missing.
Poised. As if time stand still in this place.
Anxious. Of the challenges ahead.I'm still breathing.
I'm alive.

(More) On Goodbyes

I was never good with goodbyes
I am uncomfortable with all that come with them
Of saying goodbye
Of saying sorry and thank you of what has passed
Of letting go each and every little thing
Of the longing and missing
Of reminiscing all the memories
Of feeling the loss and the separation
Of knowing things will never be the same again
Of not knowing what will happen next
Of all the things that will change
Of all that will remain the same
Of what had happened
Of what might have happened
When we we are not together
My worst goodbye was when moving from Bandung to Jogja
Because it was home for years, where all my stories were written
Where memories, hopes, and despair was shared
First loves, crushes, and broken hearts were mend
Because I will never go back, and it will never be the same I wish I can just leave and disappear
Without saying goodbyes
Without feeling goodbyes

Sort of Goodbye

So I guess this is it
I'm leavingI was ill, insane, and so messed up
My feelings for you was true, it was real
But it was wrong
It was a delusion
Something I create in my mind to protect myselfPart of curing myself is to accept that I was wounded
That I need to grieve, to heal my scar
You came to my life and saved me from despair
You were brought here by universe to teach me
But not to be my saviour
Because I have to save myselfI couldn't imagine staying any longer
Without prolonging my addiction
Without seeing you, even for a glance
So somehow I know I have to goThere are dozens of reason why I have to go
And my limerence to you is one of it
It's almost two years godamit
You're just too good to be true
My mind is too addicted
That even if I try so hard not looking for you or at you
Just a glimpse of you shattered my defensesThis letter is hopefully my last one
I am resigning, so you don't have to worry
About seeing me on campus next semester
And I don't have t…

Self Reminder: Again on Love Addiction

....While some issues may never be completely resolved, learning to love yourself, and understand that you are worthy no matter what, will finally free you to have healthy relationships that are truly fulfilling.Treatment For Love AddictionThe core element of treatment, however, is the psychological side. For people suffering from love addiction, this often involves addressing and coming to terms with the parental abandonment that led to the issue. The process can be challenging and time-consuming, but this is the only way to truly get to the root of the issue and help the individual get better and learn to have healthy relationships.This is done through groups like Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA), which apply the 12-step approach. This is group therapy—enabling sharing with and learning from others with the same (or similar) issues—but more traditional one-to-one treatment is also often incorporated into treatment programs. One-to-one counselors should be specialists in love ad…

Second Session

The second session happened around end of April or beginning of May. It was few days after flooding myself with A. We were both working/in charge on a dept.event. I'd be looking at him from afar, between my duties that day. He was gorgeous as usual. Though with rather unusual match of batik and sneakers. Haha.We'd have encounters but I can sensed he avoided talking to me. That's okay. It kinda hurt a little but I can bear with it. It will be awkward anyway, and I might have a heart attack. Haha. But I disillusioned myself, clearly. I for one was purposely trying to get his attention by chatting very actively with his boy-friends, and overdo my responses in some statements. Sigh. How pity of me. But I kinda think he's doing the same thing. There's one time. I was sitting quietly, holding my phone I guess, but not talking to anyone. He obviously knew I was right there. He's standing few steps from me but talking with one of his girl-friend. They were talking bla …

First Session

My first session was coincidental. It happened on a Monday, early April. During the weekend I was so messed up, I couldn't sleep well, which really then messed my emotions. I was heavily thinking of A. I was confused. Why am I feeling this way? This isn't love, but it goes far beyond infatuation. It's already more than one and a half year, and he's still stuck in my head.So I looked up the internet. Types of love. Kinds of love. Then I found this term: limerence. I kept browsing, it got more interesting. Then I found, which 98% of what's described there fit my conditions. Now I know what's happening to me. I was sick, heavily addicted, to love.Luckily, I can get a session with the psychologist the next day. I printed out the pages, ask her to read them. Then ask her how I can be healed.  How does she cure people with addiction? How can I get A out of my mind. How can I be sick like this? You know why? Because limerence is love addiction.She said t…