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Showing posts from April, 2017

Kondangan

Sejujurnya, aku paling malas menghadiri acara seremonial apapun. Salah satunya pesta pernikahan. Ini karena kebanyakan "kondangan" di Indonesia sarat dengan rentetan titi laku yang membosankan, polesan di permukaan, dan minim makna setidaknya buatku.Silakan tuduh aku tidak cinta budaya tradisional Indonesia, tapi mari jujur pada diri sendiri, berapa dari kita yang masih paham arti urutan ular-ular atau makna simbol setiap bunga dan perhiasan yang dikenakan pengantin?Syukurlah aku dulu tidak perlu mengalaminya. Orangtuaku membebaskanku untuk menentukan aku ingin pakai baju apa dan bagaimana alur acaranya. Resepsiku bisa dibilang nir-budaya. Ala nasional? Liberal? Atau malah mungkin lintas-budaya? Eh bukan ding, sepertinya semauku saja sih.Ah. Mungkin aku hanya lelah menemui berbagai akumulasi topeng sosial kultural yang mengukungku. Lelah hidup di dalamnya tak berdaya melanggarnya tanpa menyinggung manusia lain.

Need for Speed

Tidak sengaja menonton film berdasar games balapan yang tayang di salah satu stasiun swasta malam ini. Bukan, aku tidak akan membahas tentang film itu. Aku pertama mengenal istilah Need for Speed di awal tahun 2000-an. Tidak pernah memainkannya, tapi selalu terinspirasi dengan frase itu. Need for Speed. It rhymes, and it chimes. Bukan sekali dua aku terpikir dan membayangkan ingin mencoba balapan di sirkuit resmi. Uh, tanpa halangan perintang pasti nikmat sekali melintas mulus di atas aspal panas.Dulu, waktu sering melaju dengan Supra X ku, aku sering menikmati jalanan dengan kecepatan (cukup) tinggi. Abaikan fakta bahwa aku perempuan berjilbab. Ada sesuatu yang menggetarkan jiwa saat melaju kencang di atas jalanan. Risiko? Hm, dalam hidup apa sih yang tidak berisiko? Toh semua kulakukan dengan perhitungan dan tidak ugal-ugalan. Satu kecelakaan motor tunggal yang kualami selama inipun justru terjadi karena aku mengantuk sepulang acara menginap yang membuatku kurang tidur, dan bukan ka…

Ngapain sih Kerja?

Yes. Really.
Ngapain sih kerja?Lepas dari "harus" kerja untuk dapat penghasilan, lalu dapat penghasilan untuk bisa memenuhi kebutuhan hidup. Dst dst dst. Karena kalau hanya menggunakan alasan ini, banyak narasi alternatif di luar sana yang menawarkan strategi dan gaya hidup yang membebaskan dari ketergantungan keuangan.Jadi, kerja untuk apa? Bila sandang, pangan, dan papan bukan masalah besar, apakah masih mau atau perlu bekerja?Mari bayangkan kehidupan utopis. Tinggal di pulau terpencil. Belanja dari petani dan nelayan tetangga sendiri. Rumah dibangun dari materi lokal dengan tenaga gotong royong. Internet dan komunikasi bukan masalah karena sudah ada teknologi swadaya satelit bertenaga surya. Apa yang akan kamu lakukan untuk mengisi waktumu?Sebagian orang bilang bekerja untuk kepuasan. Tapi kepuasan seperti apa? Mungkin puas karena bekerja memungkinkan untuk membuktikan kemampuan diri, keunggulan diri. Puas karena bekerja membuatnya bisa menolong orang lain. Karena bisa me…

Cerita-cerita Tak Bernama #1

Dia adik kelasku selang beberapa tahun. Sewaktu kuliah aku mengenalnya sebagai perempuan muda yang ceria, bersemangat dan aktif di kampus. Setelah lulus aku tak banyak berhubungan dengannya kecuali via lintasan linimasa Facebook. Setahun terakhir kami banyak berhubungan kembali karena sempat ada rencana kolaborasi bersama.Cerita demi cerita, setelah lulus dia sempat bekerja di beberapa tempat, kebanyakan berhubungan dengan dunia pendidikan dan kehumasan. Rencana hidupnya banyak berbelok setelah bertemu dengan jodohnya. Setelah menikah dia mendampingi suaminya yang PNS bekerja di Sulawesi. Tak selang lama diapun mengandung, melahirkan, lalu membesarkan putrinya.Saat awal kami banyak berinteraksi kembali, dia sering mengungkapkan kerinduannya untuk kembali bekerja. Suaminya tidak sepenuhnya melarangnya, hanya memintanya untuk bersabar. Menunggu mereka bisa kembali ke Jawa, menunggu putri mereka lebih besar. Aku menangkap banyak perasaan tertahan dalam cerita-ceritanya. Rindu beraktivita…

What Love Is Not

Love is not
Guilt
Rage
Sadness
AngerLove is not
Waiting in vain
Hoping endlessly
Caring hopefully
Feeling desperatelyLove is not
Stalking
Peeping
Drooling
WonderingLove is not
Looking at you then having ache in my chest
Imagining rendezvous then being sleepless
Passing by in front you then freezing like hell
Talking to you then breaking the spellLove is not (mere)
Adoration, or
Breath-taking
Star-gazing
InfatuationLove is not
Enjoying illusion one after another
Feeding myself with empty hopes
Expecting continuously for responses
Flying up so high after being noticed
Sinking rock bottom after being ignoredLove is not
Addiction

What (Perhaps) Love Is

Love is
Big vast blue sky
Wind between the trees
Sunshine through leaves
Cirrus up so highLove is
Your laughter
How your eyes and cheeks wrinkles
Your deep brown eyes
Looking at me
Loving, teasing, caring
Kindly, sweetly, stronglyLove is
Breathing the same air
Talking the same issue
Thinking the same concern
Feeling the same
Fear, doubt, confusion
Yet believe together
Everything is gonna be okayLove is
Knowing all your perks and jinks
Then loving you more
Listening to your unheard voices
Watching your every move and stareLove is
Having you as a friend
A confidant
Partner in crime
Someone to share your life Love is
Caring for you near and far
Holding you tight
Then learn to let go
Because true love sets us free

Lanturan Lalu Lintas Liburan

Bulan ini ada tiga kali libur panjang. Sejujurnya, aku tidak terlalu menyukai libur panjang. Alasan utamanya: lalu lintas.Keluarga kecilku tinggal di km.11 jalan raya Jogja-Solo, di sebuah dusun kecil bernama Grogol. Secara administratif masuk wilayah Berbah, tapi lebih mudah untuk dibayangkan orang pada umumnya bila kukatakan aku tinggal sekitar Kalasan. Sudah terbayangkah kenapa aku benci lalu lintas libur panjang?Aku kerja di UGM, suamiku di jakal km.10, dan sering mengunjungi orangtuaku di daerah timur laut Amplaz. Rute rutinitas kami keseharian berada di jalur neraka saat libur panjang tiba. Coba bayangkan kepadatan jalan yang harus kami temui. Mulai saja dari Amplaz. Lalu Janti, lalu sekarang di akhir pekan selalu padat menjelang Transmart-Carrefour. Setelahnya tentu saja kepadatan menjelang Ring Road-Maguwo,  diakhiri kegilaan mendekati bandara. Perjalanan pulang selalu jauh lebih lama dan melelahkan di libur panjang, akhir pekan, libur lebaran, juga libur akhir tahun.Perjalana…

Understanding and Curing Limerence

(Excerpt from limerence.net, nothing was written by me)The phases of limerence
Like other addictions, we see limerence originating from early life psychological wounding. We use it to fill a hole in our soul.  We  describe  limerence as the mother of all distractions and when working with clients in limerence we are  curious to uncover what is it the person avoiding dealing with?  So often there is deep unresolved emotional pain. The client has protected themselves by covering their hearts over the years and decades with layers and layers of reinforced concrete.  This was a survival mechanism necessary from growing up in a dysfunctional and often narcissistic family system. The reality is limerence never lasts – typically it spans from 6-36 months. Just long enough for us to pair-bond and continue the survival of the species. Recent advances in neuroimaging and neurochemistry are now mapping out these pathways for romantic love. We also feel limerence is a gateway to grief. It marks …

System

I am mentally healthier now. Nothing superb. But relatively happy and content.In scale of 1 to 10, I would say at year 2015 I was on scale 0.5 or the most 2. I wasn't "that" suicidal so I won't brag being in zero point.2016 was progressing from 3 to 5. Just watching you passed by helped a lot you know... You were my sunshine after the rainAnd this past three months, I can safely say I'm almost always between 5 to 7, and never below it.I never thought fighting depression will be this gruesome.
That happiness was something I have to strive for. Well..not even happiness, just being plain not unhappy...
Simply being alive was a fight.Now that I'm healthier, I'm facing a bitter truth
I need to heal myself by myself
To be healthy without drugs
To be sane without (even) thinking about you
I need to get you out of my systemSo here's what I do, I know I have to deliberately not looking at ur profiles, but it was not as easy as i thoughtSo in my head, I plan …

PMS

Sudah dari awal minggu my body is not delicious. Mual lah, sakit tenggorokan lah, sakit pinggang lah. Awalnya tentu saja kusalahkan kambing hitam ternama akhir-akhir ini: cuaca. Masuk angin ni gara-gara cuaca.. Begitu tuduhanku.Di ujung petang tadi, kurasakan rasa fisik yang semakin sungguh tak nyaman. Padahal sudah makan kenyang soto kantin dan teh hangat. Tidak habis kehujanan juga. Kenapa pula ini?Sepanjang perjalanan pulang rasanya makin campur aduk. Migren dari mata hingga kepala sebelah kanan, hidung mampet, mual seperti maag, dan nyeri pinggang. Setelah berapa saat aku tersadar. H-7. Ah, pastilah ini PMS. Pinggang-punggung-pinggul-panggul-pegal pala-pusing Mual-menderita Sekujur-tubuh.Apa yang kulakukan sesampainya di rumah? Mengumpulkan tenaga tersisa untuk ganti baju, minum y*k*lt, memijat bahu dan kepala dengan minyak GPU, lalu berbaring. Ohya, juga meminta ijin pada Aray aku tak bisa menemaninya sementara ini.Aku hanya berbaring, tak bisa benar-benar terlelap. Sakit kepala …

Kartini Kebahagiaan

Aray sayang,Apakah menurutmu suatu kebetulan hari lahirmu berdekatan dengan hari Kartini? Yah, meski Bunda lebih memilih memaknainya berdekatan dengan peringatan hari Bumi, 22 April, yang datang besok lusa.Kamu mungkin belum terlalu ingat ini, karena Bunda baru beberapa kali menceritakan ini. Jadi biarkan Bunda meracau sekali lagi. Ya, tentang arti namamu. Araysa Sendang Narakaia. Araysa itu singkatan dari Anak RAni dan hYSA. Sendang artinya sumber. Sementara Narakaia itu Ayah dan Bunda temu via Google, dari bahasa Yunani. Nara artinya kebahagiaan, dan Kaia artinya (planet) bumi. Jadi namamu adalah doa kami agar kamu menjadi sumber kebahagiaan bagi dan atau di atas muka bumi.Apa hubungannya dengan hari Kartini? Hm, menurut Bunda sih karena menjadi atau meneladani Kartini artinya menemukan jati diri pribadi dan menemukan kebahagiaan bagi diri sebagai perempuan. Layaknya Kartini yang tak bahagia melihat perempuan di sekitarnya tertindas dan dibodohi. Dan menemukan kebahagiaan saat menga…

Dear Araysa

Today
Five years have passed since I first hold you in my arms
I, who never thought I'd ever deserved the title
Was to face the blessings and responsibilities
As your motherOur first months was tiring for me
Baby blues struck me
Though thank God quite lightly
You looked funny and strange that time
You grew healthy and strongThe first year was awesome
You were cute and pretty and active
Going back from work was exhausting
But I wouldn't choose anything else
Having you in my arms warms my heartThe bigger you are the more you grew as a person
We talked more, you tell more stories
It's amazing how a young human can use so many words
Talk so much with plenty of plots, curiosity and imaginationThis previous year was challenging
The bigger you are, the more you grew, the more we fight
And the more we fight, the more I realized
We're so much alikeRaising you will be like raising myself
Yeah! Good luck with that!So many years to come
So much things to do togetherMy biggest wish…

Whatever's Block

You're probably familiar with the term "writer's block". I wonder if there's a painter's block, singer's block, or chef's block. What actually happened during the block anyway? A sudden mood change? Running out of idea? Simply bored and tired of the routine?Like what I'm facing tonight. I already had a theme/topic that I'm suppose to be writing for this night. But I don't know why I just don't get the first words, and I don't know how to start and end that piece. That's why tonight I will (again) be rambling pointlessly.So, in my case tonight, it's not because I don't have any idea. It's more like I can't develop the idea. Or because my topic was my own experience, so that becomes a separate kind of obstacle, one which put me in battle with my own thoughts and decisions. Or maybe simply because I don't know how to put them into words.Is it my mood? Not really, I'm not in a negative mood right now. Have I…

Karir Impian: Masa SMA

Duh, masa SMA... saat hidup jadi lebih rumit dari sebelumnya..Ohya, sebagai informasi, selama SMA aku menjalani kelas satuku di Bandung lalu kelas dua dan tigaku di Jogja. Dan waktu kenaikan dari kelas dua ke kelas tiga, aku tidak sekolah dua bulan karena exchange AFS ke Jepang. Penting? Ya, penting buatku, agar tidak amnesia. Ahaha.Waktu kelas satu di Bandung, aku sempat ikut klub debat yang kakak-kakak pengasuhnya anak-anak Fikom UNPAD. Bermula sejak itu aku udah mulai ada rasa-rasa tuh ya sama Jurusan Komunikasi. Tapi cupu as I was, belum kebayang bakal berkarier sebagai apa.Selama SMA, sejujurnya ini masa paling malas belajar bagiku, apalagi dibandingkan masa SD dan SMP. Mungkin karena mulai kenal romansa? Halah.. Yang kuingat sih aku sedang sangat menikmati masa berorganisasi, masa eksplorasi minat dan kesukaan, mencoba banyak hal baru. Ikut OSIS, lomba-lomba debat, bahkan ikut seleksi dan lolos berangkat exchange. Di saat yang sama aku tak berminat sekolah karena mulai "dip…

Karir Impian: Waktu SMP

Menyambung tulisan sebelumnya, kali ini aku mencoba merefleksikan ide karir yang sempat terbersit saat aku berusia SMP. Bisa dibilang sepanjang SMP, inspirasi cita-citaku banyak dipengaruhi tokoh dalam media yang kukonsumsi. (Muahaha, cikal bakal jadi anak Kom kayaknya dimulai di saat yang sama)Beberapa karir yang sempat terbersit di kala itu adalah dokter, detektif, kriminolog, dan ahli biologi laut (marine biologist).Cita-cita jadi dokter mungkin terdengar mainstream. Tapi untukku saat itu, yang kuanggap menarik dari profesi dokter bukan hanya nilai mulia untuk menolong orang lain, tapi lebih ke thrill, drama, dan dinamika kerjanya. Kenapa aku berpikir begitu? Taklepas dari tontonanku saat itu, Doogie Howser dan serial E.R. (Emergency Room). Dalam dua series itu, kulihat bagaimana dokter berinteraksi lebih sekadar menjadi dokter tapi juga menghadapi intrik dan politik kantor.Next, detektif dan kriminolog. Nah, jaman itu memang bacaan dan tontonanku banyak dipengaruhi tema detektif. …

Karir Impian: Jaman SD

Tak sedikit tokoh pendidikan dan pemerhati minat bakat yang menyebut tahun-tahun pertama kehidupan kita acapkali memberi petunjuk penting tentang bakat atau karir yang cocok untuk kita.Saya tidak sedang memiliki keleluasaan waktu untuk mencari landasan ilmiah pernyataan di atas, jadi dalam sepotong tulisan ini saya akan berbagi kisah dan perenungan sederhana. Tentang bagaimana saya saat usia SD memandang minat, bakat, dan satu kata menyebalkan yang sering ditanyakan orang dewasa pada anak-anak: cita-cita.Sejujurnya, saya tidak terlalu ingat masa kecil saya. Bisa dibilang ingatan saya buruk. Ingatan nama orang, ingatan surat-surat pendek, nama ibukota negara, atau ingatan tanggal peristiwa sejarah, mudah sekali menguap. Untungnya perekaman bahasa, logika dan makna saya tidak terlalu jelek. Jadi, silakan ragukan waktu tepatnya kejadian dalam tulisan ini.Minat
Apa yang saya sukai saat SD? Yang saya enjoy lakukan? Hm, dari cerita keluarga, saya sangat menikmati membaca dan belajar. Wow. B…

Crazy Anyway

I had a slight worry on publishing my most sensitive feelings here
But then I thought, if I can't face myself in front of the world
Then it means I'm not ready to be cured
Not ready to face my own fearsWell, I guest I came to the thought because I've seen and see much
Craziness and mental sickness on so many levels and forms
The hindsight of providing counseling services and hanging around with psychologist on a daily basisJust like none of us ordinary humans ever be fully healthy all our lifetime
Without sickness as simple as fever, bruises, or headache
Our mental and emotional conditions are also never fully healthy
It's normal for everyone in their paths of life
To feel anxious, stressed, depressed, confused, or insecureWithout underestimating how crazy is defined psychologically
I'm just trying to rationalize myself
That what I'm going through is normal
Because now and then, each and everyone of us is
Crazy anyway

Thank God

Here's a list of things I am and or supposed to be grateful for, no matter how trivial they are.I am grateful that:
1. I sleep quite well, and don't need much time to fall asleep
2. I can easily fall in love, and to many things as well. When some people says they rarely or even never know how falling in love feels.
3. I rarely hate people
4. I am not easily offended (alias: ndablek)
5. I love learning
(12/4/17)6. I can be grateful/warm-hearted by simple things, like when wind blows, watching blue sky, or seeing a cat sleeping
(15/4/17)

Fading

Last night was horrible
My body ache like hell
Hope this is the first and the last
Hope this is fadingI share info to your e-mail yesterday
I read your reply this morning
I read happily
It doesn't hurt that much anymoreMaybe this doesn't have to end so fast
Not that fast
I'll just have to let this fade away

Withdrawal

SakawThat's what I'm going through nowI've been in low, oh how I've been in low alright
Then you give me high
So high I can reach the sky
Now suddenly finding the truth
I have to cut off myself from you
I'm in withdrawal I've been high so long
Too long
I can't tell what's real
I'm used to having you as my energy
I've associated you with life and hope
Reason to hang on for the past 19 monthsAnd now that I have to let go
Everything looked surreal
Like in a fogged filmToo real

Torn Apart

Nothing ever happened between us
Which is okayBut why does letting you go
Is tearing me apartIt's like
I'm a coffee/chocolate addict
Being told that coffee/chocolate is toxic for them
That consuming coffee/chocolate will softly kill themI know I have to stop
But the idea of
Not being able to have coffee/chocolate
Ever again
Ripped my heart to piecesI think...
Well..I guess..
I can live without coffee/chocolate
I'll somehow survive
But imagining it become real
Is so terrifying
Painful
TorturingI can literally feel my heart
Torn apart

It's Okay

It's okayThat I have to face this alone
I never demand my happiness from you anyway
I'm with you not because you give me happinessWhat is happiness anyway

Cut Through The Heart

09.55
Been watching you for a while
Your cheerfulness warms my heartThen I walk in front of you and your friends
Nobody's ready to be greeted so I just walkI try to walk as fast as I can
But then our eyes met in a sec
One second that feels like foreverThen I looked away
Simply like thatBut then as I thought it would bePainCuts through my heart

My Limerence

I need a dedicated post to explain and show what limerence is. At least what it means to me, and how limerence affected me.For me, it was first and foremost: infatuation.
It was definitely infatuation. The craziness, the irrational thoughts, the "this doesn't make any sense"-ness. The sensation my body experienced. The physical sorrow of parting. The unexplainable surreal atmosphere. As if I was living in another dimension every time a slight view or thought about you crossed my head. Limerence was simply crazy.Limerence is also about adoration. Where you are the most perfect being in the world. And every each of your weaknesses will only motivate me to find other side of it. People say you're childish, but I see that as pure youth spirit, to be carefree and fearless. Some of your acts can be seen stupid, silly and plain mindless. But to my eyes, you're just being yourself. Witty, damn smart, and plain honest. To adore you was my grand illusion. And that I will d…

Numb

Once upon time, (I cant pinpoint the exact month, but ultimately in 2015) I was severely numb.I felt stuck, have nowhere to go
No longer can feel my own passion and purpose
It's all meaningless
Everything felt like a giant routine blob
Floating away aimlesslyIt was somewhere in my depression episode.I felt nothing. I want nothing.
I couldn't be happy. I couldn't be sad either.
I'm definitely bored
My mind wanders a lot
Nothing excites me anymore
Things I used to enjoy felt like a big MEH
My life was a BIG meh
I fear nothing, got nothing to lose
Go ahead, take everything that was left of me
I wasn't angry
I couldn't be angry
I KNOW I was disappointed, but can't feel it anymoreI was in zero point
No negativity, but no positivity too
My shrink disagreed with this concept
She said that if we're not happy then it means we're sad
There was nothing such as zero/neutral area
So I said, I'm not happy but I'm also not sad
What do I have to feel sad fo…

Rindu

Halo, kamu yang disana.  Thanks for being the highlight of my day. And even maybe of my week. Melihatmu duduk di sana menyesaki relung hatiku dengan rasa. Dan asa. Of falling in love again.  Aku selalu merasa sebagai jenis orang mudah jatuh cinta. Pada kerlip bintang di langit. Pada sepoi angin di antara dedaunan. Pada riuh rendah suara di kampus. Pada sinaran yang menyelinap di sela-sela jendela. Dan tentu pada laki-laki. Siapapun dia. Bahkan bisa kubilang, beri aku satu jam -atau bahkan kurang- untuk berbincang dengan seorang lelaki. Maka, voila, aku bisa tunjukkan lima alasan atau hal yang bisa membuat perempuan jatuh cinta padanya. Sayangnya, bakatku ini datang bersama kutukan yang setara. Aku tak mudah mencintai siapapun. Seperti kubilang di awal, kamu berhasil membuatku merasakan jatuh cinta lagi. So, what’s the big deal? Well, because it’s been a long time, Honey! Pada satu titik dalam hidupku, aku mendapatkan banyak hal penuh berkah, dan sekaligus kehilangan banyak hal. Pasa…

How's Today

How's today?
I ask myselfHm..Physically exhausted
Woke up with back n neck pain
Got it better after long stretching
But still lingered through the afternoonMentally occupied
Lots of agenda at office
Got a stimulating call discussing coaching
Meeting in the afternoon
WoohooEmotionally in between
Not hyped nor depressed
Not happy or sad
A little bit confused on how he behaved
After me revealing
Trying to fight the slightest negativity
Still fighting with my limerence
Kinda fade a bit after I poured it here yesterday

Distant

Sitting so close yet so far apart
Your eyes looking far ahead while you drive
Is this what distance feel likeWords inside my head
Whirling about in my heart
What are you thinking?
Why can't I read youIs this a game of guilt?
If so, then I deserved itBut please don't
Leave me in silence

Visually Cursed

Aku mengenal istilah "photographic memory" pertama kali jaman SMP dulu, saat menonton satu episode acara musik yang dipandu seorang VJ. Percakapan si VJ itu menyinggung tentang kemampuan merekam sesuatu secara visual.Saat itu aku tertegun bahwa sepertinya aku punya bakat serupa. Aku dengan mudah merekam hal-hal yang sudah pernah kulihat. Bahkan hingga sekarang, aku akan dengan mudah mengingat sesuatu kalau sudah kulihat, kubaca, apalagi kutuliskan ulang.Terdengar seperti anugerah? Ya bisa begitu.
Kalau terkait pelajaran, informasi, atau membaca peta dan mengingat lokasi.Tapi saat ini aku menemuinya sebagai kutukan.I'm cursed by the ability to remember everything I've seen.How can I ever erase every picture, images, movement of you?
Damn you visually appealing creature!
Every eenie meenie bits of inches of you
Each slight of how you look, walk, move, smile, dress
Every kind of hairstyle you had
Every piece of garment you wore
Every detail of how you accessorized your…

First Step

what I felt for you was love-like,
but what was it, really?
I kept questioning my self "Am I in love with you? Or am I in love with the feeling"

The Feeling
(go ahead play the video.. i like this cover better then the one by bieber)
I always knew what my feeling was
that you saved me from near-death thoughts
that you're my sunshine after the rain
that you bring back color to my gloomy days
I was grateful and indebted

but I also feel a sensationto admire you to adore you
as if you're an idol that I'm your number one fans
when one and a half year passed by
and I still can't get you out of my head i realized something is not rightso i keep trying to find out then just last Sunday I found out what I was diagnosed with

limerence it's a psychological term and it's real

"the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one's feelings but not primarily for a…